


There's A War Inside Of Me To Tell You That I Love You by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bottom Kirk, Episode A Private Little War, Episode Related, Erotica, First Time, M/M, Possible TOS AU, Romance, Set after episode: A Private Little War, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2018-10-05 20:29:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10316360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Since getting home from Tyree’s planet, Jim had had a, thankfully, quiet few days.Episode related (A Private Little War) - because of this story, I suppose the Universe it's set in is an AU one - Or just one that denies that the 'women of the week' tendencies of James T. Kirk, continue on after that episode/this scene.Categories: FictionCharacters: NoneCrossover Fandom: NoneGenres: Kirk/Spock Pre-Slash, Kirk/Spock SlashOther Languages: NoneStory Type: Angst, Erotica, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, RomanceTrope (OPTIONAL): Bottom KirkUniverse: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original Universe





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Since getting home from Tyree’s planet, Jim had had a, thankfully, quiet few days.  
> Episode related (A Private Little War) - because of this story, I suppose the Universe it's set in is an AU one - Or just one that denies that the 'women of the week' tendencies of James T. Kirk, continue on after that episode/this scene.
> 
> Categories: Fiction  
> Characters: None  
> Crossover Fandom: None  
> Genres: Kirk/Spock Pre-Slash, Kirk/Spock Slash  
> Other Languages: None  
> Story Type: Angst, Erotica, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Romance  
> Trope (OPTIONAL): Bottom Kirk  
> Universe: AU Alternate Universe, ST:TOS Original Universe

Since getting home from Tyree’s planet, Jim had had a, thankfully, quiet few days.

This evening, Jim sat, as usual, playing chess with Spock. After the game was done, Jim, whose heart hadn’t really been in it, because he could only think of his tactical decisions of the previous few days, and of Tyree. His wife, too.

“Being human, I can’t help but feel guilty.” Jim’s face reddened. “I betrayed my friend, his people, my oath. I know I didn’t have a choice, but it still hurts. I betrayed Tyree on a personal level, too. I kissed his damned Kahn-u-tu wife!” Jim clenched his fists.

“That was not your fault, Jim. She manipulated you with herbal drugs. She was not entirely innocent.” Spock noted.

“No one is.” Jim replied. “She had an instinct to survive.” He paused. “Do I have an instinct to kill? Is that why I handed Tyree a gun?”

“Jim, you know that is not true. It is, in fact, absolutely false. You have a Captain’s instincts; to survive, and help others to do the same. Yes, Tyree’s people and the other faction on his planet, will kill, but the balance of power will eventually make them seek peace, and know their own fallibility.” Spock looked to his friend.

“I switch between feeling guilty for arming them, even to protect themselves, and feeling, disproportionately, perhaps, just as guilty for kissing my friend’s wife. I wouldn’t do that, in normal circumstances. I really wouldn’t. I know I have a reputation with women; I’m well aware of that, but I do have morals.” Jim promised.

“I know that.” Spock promised also. “Anyone who has met with you, knows that you have an honourable and strong moral code.”

Jim tried to smile. “Thank you.” He sipped his drink, and looked over at Spock again. “I shouldn’t let myself find women everywhere, and I certainly shouldn’t go after them. They just fill a gap in me that – and I know this is packed with innuendo – literally, I really just want someone else to fill for me.”

“By mentioning the innuendo you just have, is that to say that you are not looking to me?” Spock asked.

Jim was shocked. He took a few moments, in which he and Spock looked at each other intently. “I never thought I’d hear you ask me something like that.”

“It’s not very Vulcan of me to have done so, I admit.” Spock tried not to blush. “Or, perhaps, it is.” He figured. “I burn, Jim.”

“It’s your mating cycle again?” Jim queried quickly.

“No. This confession is definitely not brought on by that.” Spock understood.

“How did you know? To confide in me, I mean, to the level you just have?” Jim had to ask.

“What do you mean?” Spock tried to consider the possibilities.

“What do I mean?” Jim stood up, walked around the table, and knelt before Spock, who was now turned to face him. “I mean, that I love you, Spock; have done for ages now. I’m sorry to put you through this. You’re right to question my Command capabilities.”

“I was not doing so.” Spock noted. “Do you think I should? Do you think we should both question our positions aboard this ship?”

“Do you?” Jim asked. “Are you saying that you love me, too?” He added, almost as an after-thought.

“I do love you, in the way that I think you have just told me you love, me, too, yes.” Spock admitted. “Has not this love pre-existed our confessions, and already existed when we have had to make difficult Command decisions, regarding one another.”

“Yes, and we didn’t not make those tough decisions, did we?” Jim questioned.

“We still made them.” Spock replied evenly.

“Are we strong enough to still make those kinds of decisions, even after this chat we’re having?” Jim asked gently.

“We both would give up our lives to save people, if that would save them.” Spock stated.

“I would have died of that yeti-Mogatu creature’s bite, there and then; I’d go back and time and do it now, if it, somehow, gave those poor people another choice, or if it meant I could take the Klingons who handed over those hideous weapons with me as I died.” Jim meant it.

“We know that about each other. We have to honour it.” Spock answered.

“Can we honour our love, too?” Jim reached out, and held Spock’s hands; his resting upon Spock’s thighs. He looked up into the eyes of the man that he’d just admitted he loved.

In answer, Spock kissed Jim with the o’zhesta, and put all of his love, all of his thoughts about their love, into his touch.

They looked at one another, in awe. Jim stood up, with Spock’s tender help, and there they were; standing before each other. 

“Thank God you lived. I’ve needed to tell you I love you for so long. If you’d died, if either of us had, without you knowing, without me knowing you feel the same way – if we’d died without ever knowing this…” Jim spoke of the gentle kisses and caresses that they shared, in the most traditionally Vulcan form, and the kisses of each other’s lips that each knew they were about to share. More still, of the love that each contained – the love that was theirs, and, now, could breath.

“I know.” Spock pledged. “I am glad that you returned here, to me, and I, to you…” 

Long seconds later, they were in each other’s arms, kissing, and already envisioning what was about to happen between them, as again, Jim knelt to the deck, and Spock went with him, and covered him, lovingly, almost as soon as they were there.

Bumping and grinding; kissing -hot, sweet, and salty, they joined; undoing each other’s pants, hands in each other’s underwear; shirts on the floor; Jim pulled one of them over, resting it beneath his neck, and they continued, so fucking close – and so lovingly close, too.

The End..?  
15.6.16


	2. Proof of Existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their relationship is out

Proof of the Existence of Real Love

“We do understand the absolute importance of living up to our duties to the Federation and the Fleet.” Jim promised the Admiral.

“We realise what may be asked of us one day, despite our relationship.” Spock added. “We each know that the other would give his life to save a life, or lives, if doing so would in fact mean that a planet, a colony, a ship, or our crew, be saved. Therefore, each of us knows that we must honour the other’s wishes.” Spock paused. “To cause problems for Starfleet, to let down the people of the Federation, would change who we are, and neither of us wish for that to occur.”

“Duty comes first. We truly realise this, and live by it, every day aboard ship.” Jim explained.

Jim and Spock had been called in for the brass to talk to them, and assess whether they should be allowed to continue as a Command Team, or not, in light of their being in a relationship together. They sat next to one another for half of the assessment, but had also been ‘interrogated’ alone also. Throughout, each was wearing a truth and lie detector, as well as being psychologically evaluated.

The Admiral listened to them intently, and, along with the Doctors in the room with him, looked at all the read outs with a ‘gaze’ just as intense. “Your relationship began after the decisions that were made during the Enterprise’s time on Neural.” Admiral Ja-too-ka turned to Spock. “Is this because Captain Kirk needed some kind of assurance?”

“No.” Spock replied. “We began our relationship because of feelings that have built between us over time. Emotions that have already had to be put aside for the sake of duty.”

“As Spock said earlier, we have, always, to keep in mind the greater good, and how each of us, because of who we are, and our oath, would want to sacrifice ourselves if it meant that people were saved, and our duty was done.” Kirk reiterated.

“If we say that you can continue on as you are, relationship and Command and all, then, tomorrow, you may be faced with one of those life and death decisions – you may be required to do what this meeting is about, and live up to your duty, regardless of your personal feelings. Your belief is that you both are, and everyone else is, better off when you are together; that that has always been the case, even before the time at which you admitted your feelings, even only to one another. There is much evidence to support that, but there is also the reality that, if your fail to make those very difficult decisions, it could mean the end on a very large scale, for hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions, or more, of people. You must deliver on your duty!” Ka-too-ka stated very firmly.

“We will, sir.” Both Jim and Spock, seconds apart, replied.

“We understand, fully, what must always happen, should we be put in that situation, along with all the people we are responsible for.” Spock continued. “The truth is, we are responsible for one another, of course, as well, but with that, and our relationship, comes the knowledge of each other that allows us to understand that our love exists, even if one of us must ask, or help, the other to sacrifice himself, for all our people. We both swore an oath that we would die for the greater good, and to go back on that, to fail that terrible task, would destroy each of us as men. It is something neither of us could allow to happen to the other, above all – above life and death.”

“His words are the absolute truth of the matter, Admiral. We know that we have a duty to the Federation’s people, but also, to each other, to allow, to ask, one another, to see our duty through. We will always save each other when we can, but we certainly know that a line must be, and is, drawn, with regards to those efforts. I say this myself, not only in regards to Spock, but with regards to my entire crew. I know my duty.” Jim pledged strongly.

“As do I.” Spock added, calmly and clearly.

))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))) ))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))) )))))))))))) 

Allowed to remain together, as Captain and Commander, as well as t’hy’la and bondmates to one another, Jim and Spock returned to Enterprise, which was in space dock until the next day.

In Jim’s Quarters, they sat together, and talked of a great many things.

Then, in a moment of quiet, Jim turned to Spock, took Spock’s hands in his, and lifted them to his mouth, kissing them. “Thank you for speaking openly of our love today. I know that that kind of thing is very difficult for you.”

“I will speak of our love whenever the situation requires it, for it is the truth. Our truth. To you, my T’hyla, I will talk of our love, of my love for you, whenever I feel especially moved to voice it; though you must know that, even when I do not speak of it with my voice, my body, my side of our bond, my soul, all speak of it endlessly.”

“I do know that, T’hy’la, and hope that you know the same from me?” Jim continued to hold and caress Spock’s beautiful, skilful, elegant, sensual hands.

“I do.” Spock murmured, leaning forward, and kissing, with his lips, Jim’s neck, throat, and nearest ear.

There again, their love making began, born of their new/old love.

 

The End…?  
16.6.16


End file.
